Anger, Fury, Rage
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Sure you have - we all have been, right?
A while back, I witnessed an absolute debacle of a performance of a piece of mine that left me feeling white-hot mad. It's one thing if some young performers give their best, and give your piece an average-go, but this was an ensemble that had an excellent reputation, and should have done better.
What angered me even more about this situation, was that the piece was performed on a well-attended concert with works by my peers, and the performances of those works seemed really well done.
Why all the angst, you ask? It's really hard to explain, but when you create something, there's a whole bunch of you in that creation. You wake up at 4 or 5 in the morning, day after day, and you work and you craft and you spill blood on the paper, trying to get all of these details to work out just so, and then you entrust this new creation, your new baby, to a group of performers to render to an audience. It's a very vulnerable spot for any composer to be in. When that group doesn't respect the piece enough, to give it a decent rendering, it hurts. The audience hears the piece as it was performed, and assumes that's what the composer meant, when in cases like these, the composer envisioned something far better, it just wasn't rehearsed enough to sound right. Imagine someone leaving the concert and saying, "most of the pieces were good, but I'm not sure why they programmed that work by Kendrick, it wasn't all that great." As a composer, your name and reputation are on the line with each performance, and they're in the hands of others.
So anyway, I leave this performance with smoke comin' outta my ears, and on the drive back home I started thinking about how angry a 'cello can sound and how I had just heard my friend, the cellist Carey Bostian, play with Orchestra Iowa earlier that week. Carey had been letting his hair grow out, and as I watched him play that night, I had thought about how cool it would be to write a piece for him that was suitable for a moshpit.
 Carey Bostian, Violoncello
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Bingo.
Worlds collided, and now, suddenly, a plan to write a piece sometime down the road for solo 'cello, became a necessity. It was a Sunday night, and I had to work in the morning, but I didn't care... I was hellbound on staying up all night, and capturing this anger while it was fresh.
Immediately upon coming home, I brewed a fresh pot of coffee and began sketching out the piece. I decided not to worry about getting everything perfect, I was more concerned with capturing the intensity of the emotion. It's kind of like Jimi Hendrix going off on a guitar solo, the notes aren't always rendered perfectly, but there's a raw emotion to the playing that you can feel, that's what I was after.
Here's an excerpt of the piece I created that night - venom and all. But before you listen to it, I must tell you that while I was in college, I used to play bass guitar in a heavy metal band. I think you'll hear some of that coming through as you listen to a portion Syrian Nightmare, performed by Carey Bostian.
Can you feel my angst? I hope so. I hope it feels like a hammer just hit you over the head.
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Ralph; First of all, I want to tell you I LOVE Syrian Nightmare. It does reflect your emotions of that moment very well plus I like the overall structure of the piece. The performance was excellent. Second, I understand why you got angry. I've had similar experiences. I'm not involved with any academic resource and have to make calls and beg my way into a performance, usually with no luck. That's why I export my works (usually done in Sibelius) to an audio file that I edit and master. I post these on my website for my listeners to hear and download. Thus far, I've had a lot of people do exactly that. That's where I get my satisfaction. I think too many musicians, regardless of what environment they're working in, avoid new work by newcomposers. I'm sure there are many reasons for this. That you got your cello piece played is great. It was worth the negative experience you endured to get there. But at least you have better access to such resources and, in spite of this bad experience, you'll get a lot more of your work performed. I'm personally glad for that as I like your work and want to hear more of it.
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Thanks Bob! I appreciate your compliment about Syrian Nightmare very much. I'm actually very fortunate to live in an area that is pretty receptive to new music and there are lots of great performers to work with. If you are not a member of Society of Composers or a state or regional organization, you might try joining them to get some more performance opportunities. Those groups have certainly helped me get some good recordings.
Thanks again, and keep plugging away at your own dream!
Ralph
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