The Butterfly Effect was one of those movies that really made me think – and we’re talking about the kind of thinking that goes on for several days. If you haven’t seen it, the main actor has the power to redo a series of events from his childhood.  I can’t remember the plot entirely, but his best friend in the movie struggles with drugs, and he keeps trying to redo portions of their shared childhood together to make her life turn out better.

Interestingly enough, when he changes particular scenes from his childhood, she turns out better, but there are negative ripple effects, whereby several other people end up having worse lives because his friend’s life was improved.  He keeps trying to go back and redo things, but the end product always turns out worse. 

Deep, theological stuff, for sure.   

Have you ever wished you could have a do over?

I think that’s pretty common.  If I would have answered the interview question this way, perhaps I would have gotten the job.  If I had only said ‘x’ instead of ‘y’, maybe I’d still be in a relationship… I shouldn’t have lost my cool with my kid.

Hey, we’re all human.  We make mistakes and I’m sure we could all make good use of a few do-overs.

I wish I could redo several things about my graduate studies in composition.  I went to grad school at 22 and looking back on it, I don't think I'd done enough living at that age to know what I really should be getting out of it and what activities I should be focusing on.

So what would I change?

For starters, I would have been much more social and much less bookish.  I was always trying to read high-minded stuff about musical aesthetics, theory, and philosophy.   I suppose that makes sense if you want to be a college professor (which I did at the time).  But what I missed out on, is all of the connections I could have made with excellent performers.   I made some, to be sure, enough to keep me busy, but I think I would have been much better off getting to know more performers that I could collaborate with after grad school. Not to mention all of the great things you can learn from performers!

Several years after grad school, I realized the importance of score study – looking at a piece of music while listening to it.  This is great training for a composer on notation, orchestration, and form.  I did a fair amount of score study in school, but not enough of it.  I wish I would have realized the importance of this endeavor, and made better use of the library and all of those exotic scores, while it was close by and easy to access.

But my biggest regret is that during grad school, I had no concept of the value of time.  Once you have kids, are working a full time job and maintaining a house, you understand how precious it is to have an hour of composition time.  In my early twenties, I took for granted all of the free time available to me to compose and I didn't use it like I should have.   I’m sure if I was in grad school now, I could have written 8 or more pieces a year, versus the 3 per year I averaged in grad school.

In looking back however, a stark reality has hit me.  If I hadn’t gone to grad school in my early twenties, I probably would never have taken the opportunity to go.   There are a lot of sacrifices that have to be made to go to grad school after you've started a family. I certainly wouldn’t put my family through the financial stress such a venture would require now. 

So in the end, I’m thankful for the opportunities that I had.  I’ve made enough performer connections to keep me busy, and additional connections can be made for the rest of my life (though with a bit more effort than when you’re in school).  I still have access to scores and music through local college libraries, and I’ve become quite an efficient composer, giving the scarce amount of time I can carve in my schedule for composing. 

Maybe real life is an awful lot like The Butterfly Effect.  The path you are on right now, is the right one, even if it's not always apparent at any given point in the journey.